I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
