Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
