Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
