i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
