so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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