do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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