Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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