It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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