i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
