We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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