We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize