i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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