i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize