Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
