It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
