We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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