My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
