There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
