You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
