She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
