what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
