she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
