dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
