Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pants are for mortals
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
