Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
