She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
