While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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