i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
