i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
