My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
