I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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