Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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