He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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