its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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