I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
