I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
