Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
