I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
