Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
