I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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