I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
