Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
