I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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