There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize