Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
