At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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