she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize