My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
