Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
