I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
