i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
