I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
