How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize