just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
