I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
