If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
