we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
