I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
