meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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