i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
