Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
